I can't believe it's almost a year. To me, 2009 felt like one long week where you're waiting for Friday so you can get off from work or school early and there's food at time waiting and you can eat as you watch tv and forget all about your other commitments and just relax...

I love Fridays. But it feels to me that I've been waiting for Friday for so long, it makes me wonder if I'll ever get to feel comfortable with myself ever again. I've come to realize what kind of person I am: self-concious, aware, observant, nervous and boring. I lack almost everything that makes a person fun to be around.

I don't know. I entered 2009 feeling somehow hopeful that this would be exactly what I needed. When things went downfall, it felt as if it was one long chain of events that make June to October take so long yet... it's all as if it happened in one Tuesday.

And now it's November. I'm exiting 2009 as the same person I came in as. Minus one person and plus a brand new shit-attitude.

I've been eating, I admit I have. I'm not going to lie to myself about the weight I've been gaining. At first I blamed the hormones, but little by little I came to realize that it's all psychological.

I think it's like, you know that one episode on Oprah where they invited this girl who had sex with 99 guys to talk? At the end of the day it turns out that she'd had all those men in her life because she felt that she had this hole that needed filling up. I guess I'm pretty much the same, except I prefer food over sex. I keep telling myself, "Ah, let me eat. I just want to be happy" and I never really understood what I meant by that. I never really felt satisfied with the food.

Today I ate till I got so bloated but then I still felt like I needed to eat. It's my head. Not my stomach. I'm not saying I need some professional help. I just need to find a way to fill in this... gap.

I wish I remembered the ending to that Oprah episode ):

come be in my dreams

Why is december taking so loooooong? ): I might be working soon. Pray things work out... I really need the cash.

Thank facebook. I really miss these kids.

Alana, almost 3 and already having an attitude of a teenager. But she is cantik, no? :-)

Suci, a little older than one and does the darnest things. This one also very cantik :-)

1 comment

Adina, almost two months XD DAMN I LOVE BABIES

I love these kids like crazy and they're so cute and cuddly and sweet and aaaaaah!!! I feel like nuzzling their little cheeks and kissing their soft butts and playing with their tiny feet XD I want a baby nowwwwwwwww.

Okay...
 
 

1. Jogging
   
2. Throw out unwanted junk (wow. I procrastinate a lot)
   
3. Baju for Pok Teh's reception
4. Record uke cover (for keepsake, not for youtube really)

I think I'm going to... stop doing this for a while. Or do this somewhere else. I don't know.

I honestly just want to be honest and open and have anonymous people read me. You are anonymous no more. And I am no longer honest.

Or I don't know.

I can't wait for the Cotton On store to open XD

http://www.cottonon.com.au

FINALLYYYYYYYYYYYY.

I don't know how to describe my hatred towards my brother. I hate him so much there's actually big ball of fire ready to explode inside me and I'm ready to cry and yell and hit him because he's put all of us through so much shit.

Yes. Even married and out of the house, he still manages to find a way to fuck us all up.

And you know what sucks? We are his family. We have to love him. We have to help him. I wonder what you guys would think if you knew really what was going on.

I don't know how my mother feels when she looks at him. She probably just wants to die.